9:03 – Wake up, drink lots of water to attempt to cure cancer-like hangover, and begin to watch a variety of crap on tv.
9:07 – Roommate asks me to move into another room so he can sleep. Douche.
9:08 – This room is so much sweeter than mine. Plasma. Boo-yah (fuck Stuart Scott)
9:15 – Friend walks into room and looks at wall with huge dent in it. Conversation ensues:
Friend: (Looking at dent) Did you did this last night?
Me: (Looking at wall; suddenly remember taking an iron pool and then baseball bat to wall for yet to be determined reason) Fuuuuckkkkk. I did do that.
Friend: (Laughing) Why, ‘cause of the Yankees?
Me: No, it was later in the night.
Friend leaves, laughing. Douche.
9:22 – Dawns on me I went Patrick Bateman on wall because I couldn’t find my phone last night (even though I eventually found it sitting on my desk). Slightly embarrassed, I rectify situation by plastering duct tape all over dent. It’s a weird, shiny kind of duct tape, so we’re good.
9:40 – Decide to watch NFL Network. The one day where that channel is relevant.
9:42 – Rich Eisen, Steve Mariuchi, Marshall Faulk, and a couple other douchebags are rambling about some bullshit. It’s like ESPN all over again. This is not difficult; can we please get a panel of analysts that are both intelligent and not terrible human beings?
9:51 – Crack open first beer. Mmmmm, delicious Natty. It’s gonna be a long day.
10:03 – If I ever see this infomercial guy Billy Mays on the street, I’m gonna tear his beard off and beat him to death with it.
10:09 – Deion Sanders might be one of the worst people I have ever seen. Why do you have pinstripes on the collar of your button down shirt? That just doesn’t make sense. Leave Calvin Johnson alone, asshole. He doesn’t want hang out with forty year old has-beens. And will people please shut the fuck up about a couple of these guys admitting they smoked weed. It’d be news if they HAVEN’T blown coke off a sorority girl’s tits while getting blow jobs from every scout in the NFL.
10:15 – The fat guy on the NFL Network makes a joke about being fat. It’s not funny, but he is fat. He is now screaming about how Joe Thomas is analogous to a five-tool baseball player. I can feel that. The young white guy analyst is pretty good looking (no homo). He looks like he should be in a Polo ad or something. He actually seems to be pretty smart too, so I’ll stick around for a little while more while the douches on ESPN gear up. Always a good time. Speaking of smart, the new guy on ESPN, Todd McShay, is the shit. Watch out, Mel.
10:19 – God, I would bang the shit out of Erin Esurance.
10:25 – Alright, let’s see what’s crackin’ at the WWL. Commercials. Rats. Go get another beer.
10:27 – Remember telling girl I would hang out with her all day today. Looking for rusty spoon to cut balls off with. I better get some pussy. I definitely won’t.
10:32 – Sources: Raiders will take Russell with the first pick. This is why the Raiders will float in dreadfulness for years. Or until Al Davis dies. Big, dumb animals should never be drafted early. Go with Calvin you morons. Steve Young agrees, Keyshawn “I have proved it is possible to have a negative IQ” Johnson disagrees. I feel pretty good about myself. I mean just imagine if the Raiders had taken Leinart last year, then took Johnson this year. That’s the makings of a powerhouse.
10:37 – Alright, I’m bored, let’s see what’s happening on 595.
10:38 – “All Nite Party Girls”. Damn. I was hoping for “Foursome” or my personal favorite “7 Lives Exposed”. How the fuck do I get on that show?
10:40 – Host: (to random dancer) Allison, what makes you a great lover?
Dancer: My kisses.
Host: Well, I must have a sample.
They begin to make out and strip. I love Playboy.
10:52 – Watching a sob story about Ryan Leaf (I usually never watch these things). He actually seems like a really good guy now, based on how much of a douche he was. Even in his interviews (current), he seems like he’s matured about twenty years in eight. Alright, enough gay shit. Let’s get the draft started.
10:59 – Receive text message from girl. “I’m getting my hair done at eleven, I’ll call you after.” NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Must… Watch… Draft… (Dies). Fuck, I’m pissed. I’m gonna take a shower and drink faster.
11:28 – Mort, get you’re fucking mic fixed, you sound like the elephant man.
11:30 – What is going on with Berman’s tie? It’s like-, alright I’m sounding too much like Simmons. Must be unique.
11:40 – Berman interviewing Goodell. Careful Berman, fuck up your syntax and you’re liable for a fifteen year suspension and the rack.
11:44 – The MNF guys!!! I’m sorry, but I really love these guys. Fuck Theismann. Fucking douchebag.
11:51 – Moment of Silence.
12:02 – That intro was pretty fucking gay.
12:08 – Damn, Reggie Bush keeps it real. And while we’re on commercials, fuck the Coors Light train. That stupid thing would do so much property damage and alter the climate and literally geology of the earth to disastrous proportions. All for a crappy light beer.
12:10 – And we begin. Please don’t call.
12:19 – She called. Hopefully I’ll be back soon.
2:44 – Alright, back. Watched “Monster-in-Law” and ate health food. And I didn’t even get my nut.
2:45 – A quick look back at the action so far: So Quinn hasn’t gone yet? Wow, NFL GM’s may actually be, dare I say it, intelligent. Lions taking Johnson with the 2. I know the whole Lions/WR fetish, but it’s hard to criticize anyone taking Johnson. I’m surprised they didn’t trade down. No surprises it looks like. As of now, I would go with the Texans taking Okoye at 10 as the best value pick.
3:01 – I wonder if Rachel Nichols talks like that in real life? I’d still do her.
3:07 – Brady Quinn quote – “Some teams just don’t need quarterbacks.” Or maybe some teams don’t need bleeding vaginas. (High-five to self).
3:16 – Steve Young’s philosophy, “it doesn’t matter whether your first pick in the draft is good or not, it just has to SAY something” is maybe one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard come out of an “expert’s” mouth. And as we all know, that’s pretty difficult to do. This guy was a Super Bowl QB?? I mean what does that even mean? “SAY something?” Drafting Quinn would SAY you’re into dudes. So? It doesn’t make your team better. Teams have gameplans douchebag. One pick doesn’t determine the destiny of your organization. I’m surprised Mort didn’t kick him straight in the nuts.
3:35 – Damn. Kind of wanted the Giants to take Hall. Probably go with Staley now. I hope its Posluszny.
4:04 – Alright I don’t feel like typing anymore. I’m gonna go jerk off.
Who’s Now Today - Michael Vick, who on Tuesday was indicted by a federal grand jury on dog fighting charges. Now, as we are true patriots and adherents to the law here at About As Cool as Cancer, we believe one is innocent until proven guilty (High-five Duke!). Now with that being said, Michael Vick should be mauled to death by a pack (gaggle?) of pitbulls. I love dogs. They’re my boys. They’re my dogs (pun; count it!). Taking advantage of their instinctive loyalty in order to profit off their falsely engineered ferociousness is sick and should only be punished through the fiery ancient justice of the old school badass Hammurabi.
